Warning!
This article will be longer than usual. The introduction could seem completely separate from the topic I want to explore. But it’ll come full circle. Trust me.
It’s never easy to explain tough things without falling into that lousy label of “flights of fancy”. People, myself included, honestly cannot conceive certain things. We end up crossing off entirely other ways of thinking, living, and working because those thoughts are just some “flights of fancy”.
Sometimes, it becomes challenging to make a point of something so far- fetched from our way of life, let alone apply said point.
So it becomes a pipe dream, a fantasy to relegate into the Hyperuranion.
Let me exemplify: the US had a doctrine against communism in all its forms and variants. Including Social democracy and certain aspects of socialism that, across the pond, were and are completely normal. It was, it is, for them inconceivable to think of those solutions as realistic, and not just another commie fantasy.
And vice versa, certain elements of capitalism that for the US are still day-to-day businesses are impossible to imagine for most European countries. So for them, it would be unrealistic to think of their Nation with those elements.
Try to say you’d remove universal (and mostly free) healthcare in one’s nation and they would not even understand why, and how to live without it.
It would flabbergast even us Canadians, in reality. But I feel the example better works with our European cousins and our neighbors.
So what I’m about to write could initially seem to some just like a flight of fancy. Still, bear with me.
Almost every one of us grew up with a sort of individualistic lesson of “don’t think of others; think of yourself first.”
Which, in some instances, is more than a perfect sermon (yes, I deliberately just used “sermon”).
Yet, more often than not, it’s a shortsighted, impractical, unrealistic way of living.
“But Ketcia,” you may ask, “I don’t think we all grew up with the wrong ideologies. And, I do think of others, I do help the community.” to which I would respond: “Of course, we didn’t. And, of course, you think of others and help your community. Yet, are you sure your behaviors are not based on self-gratification, more than helping others selflessly?”
Let me explain myself.
Life, as we all understand from when we’re 5, is based on relationships. Growing up with other people is what we do.
When we’re youngsters, we learn about altruism; we learn about community; we learn about nurturing each other talent.
We, all of us, selflessly do that. We create our relationship without thinking about what we might get in return. We give to the community that loonie we earn by being a good kid. We help our classmates when in need, spontaneously.
We do that without the need of being gratified.
Then, growing up that sermon hits.
Then, when we’re all grown up, we face our struggles, achievements, and successes.
Then, we think of ourselves first.
Nothing wrong with that. Nothing to be ashamed of.
After all, that sermon is there on the back of one’s mind; and it’s not always wrong, as said before.
But what when it is wrong? What when it kicks in the unrealistic, impractical, shortsighted way of living? What if self-gratification, even when doing something good, is far greater than selflessness?
Well, we recreate a system of competition, which inevitably clashes with altruism.
If we help others, it’s because we hope we will be acknowledged by our community. If we teach something is because we need to be gratified in some way by our “students”. If we invest in people is because we expect a return, if not monetary in recognition.
So we must help others harder, better, faster, stronger than everyone else. We compete with others on who’s more interested in helping, who’s more philanthropic, who’s a better mentor.
And we want to win that competition. After all, that’s all the point of competitions to begin with: winning the race. Being successful. Being better than others.
You begin to see where I’m going with this, right?
Even when we think of others, we think of ourselves first. That’s why I voluntarily used the word “sermon”.
The will to be better than others, even in helping, the reward of self- gratification, and the competition generated, create in itself a hierarchy that must be respected.
If we help someone until the point that person is better than us in something, we may lose the possibility to find gratification in that universe. So we don’t help to the fullest. If investing in our employees means they could in the future be our peers in what we do and found their companies we might feel economically threatened. So we don’t help to the fullest.
Hierarchy: I teach, I give, I help, I donate, I invest = you thank me, you owe me, you respect me.
Competition: I teach, I give, I help, I donate, I invest more than you = more appraisal for me and I win.
Self-gratification at its fullest. And a bit of domination as well. We think of ourselves first.
Unrealistically, with short-sightedness and impractical.
There is a reason if globally we came up with writing systems: we wanted to pass on our knowledge and let people advance towards the future. We have schools because, as a society, we want to unlock the full potential of our people. We undertake collectively the challenges to help people.
We want to assure the future of our species. Yet we fail to do that at an individual level.
Thinking only individualistically, and failing to think of others becomes shortsighted, unrealistic and impractical. Because it can slow down our advancement as a society. It can let our community ill-equipped to manage if we’re not there. It can lock the potential of someone who could do much, much better than we do.
What do I mean by this? I mean that we fail to achieve the Final frontier of success.
The final frontier is helping others achieve their greatest potential, reaching new opportunities, growing their abilities and letting those bootstrap new, unforeseen possibilities.
When I talk about the final frontier of success, I mean helping others become better, even than us, to master their resources, whatever those could be, for our collective benefit.
When I talk about the final frontier, I talk about true altruism.
Altruism is by definition a “disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others”.
If we think of ourselves first, we fail to think of the future, we fail our children, and we fail our society.
We fail our shot for a better future.
“But Ketcia, true altruism cannot exist. Everyone must think of themselves first.”, and to that, I say: “Yes, yes it could seem just a pipe dream, but it’s not.” (See, full circle on this).
We cannot conceive altruism as completely selfless because we always interpreted success as personal and true success as being “invincible” in what we do. Earn more than others, being recognized more than others.
So being truly altruistic ends up being a flight of fancy.
But the final frontier of success is quite the opposite. It is the success of many against the few. The acknowledgement that someone out there can do better than us in what we do. Also thanks to us. Also thanks to the true, altruistic help that we’ve donated.
Even if at a slight cost to us.
There’s a quote that says: “Do you know what is the main quality that a good politician must possess? Work not to be re-elected.”.
I always liked to think of it differently: “Do you know what is the main quality that a good mentor must possess? Work to stop mentoring.”.
Much before I get recognized in something, I started to invest actively my resources to turn others’ potential into fruition and gave people room to grow and learn. Not grooming them to be my subjugate but mentoring them to find their success. Not competing with others for who’s the better helper but creating altruistic networks that help people for real.
And I don’t want to seem self-referential, but I truly think that to help people means to sacrifice (at least a bit) self-gratification. One doesn’t need to be recognized. One doesn’t need to withhold something when mentoring. One doesn’t need to forget that true altruism can actually be achieved.
The final frontier can be achieved.
In our society to think of true altruism is a flight of fancy, a fantasy that we cannot yet conceive fully.
It doesn’t mean we’ll never conceive as the normality, as a strong
reality and not a mere fantasy.
Maybe, the fault is simply one sermon that coerces all of our relationships and how we act with them.
And to think that it’ll suffice to change slightly the wording from “don’t think of others; think of yourself first” to “think of yourself with others.”
Ketcia Peters is an entrepreneur and community advocate for economic inclusion and development for Black Canadians and the social justice sector. Her firm, Ketcia Peters Group Inc. (KPG) provides bilingual organizational and human development services to the public and private sector. This includes analysis and coaching of HR practices, strategic planning, organizational change, equity and inclusivity, and anti-racism. KPG also provides individual and group coaching. In recent years, KP Group Inc. has shifted to greatly expand its equity, diversity and inclusivity work at the municipal and community level, with a focus on anti-racism and anti-oppression. This work centers on a trauma-informed approach in order to ensure we do not cause further harm to those most marginalized in our communities. Visit her website at: https://ketciapeters.com/